oh. kalian tertanya-tanya kenapa aku tidak lagi duduk berbual mesra dengan mereka; mereka yang dahulunya rapat dengan diri ini.

kerana aku sudah berputus asa. dan tidak mampu membiarkan diri terluka lagi.

aku sedar, diriku juga tidaklah sebegitu sempurna. 

sedar juga akan kelemahan dan kekurangan.

tapi aku tak mampu nak sentiasa bertolak ansur dengan mereka; 

tidak mampu lagi untuk makan hati berulam jantung;

merelakan sahaja hati dilukai, ditoreh, dan berdarah lagi.

sedangkan luka lama itu masih belum sembuh.

kerana aku tak kuat, tak kukuh untuk menerima segalanya dengan hati terbuka.

maaf jika aku punyai khilaf kepada dirimu.

dan aku juga belajar memaafkan.

namun aku tak pasti mampukah hati ini terbuka lagi untuk menerima kehadiran kalian kembali.

maaf sekali lagi.

Something about: Mixed Feelings.

Since I believe that it will cause unwanted attention if I actually writes about it here, I decided not to. 

I'm happy yet devastated.

I'm glad but sad.

One thing I learn from someone is; trying your best to look at the brighter side of person. Things will be easier this way. 

But the downside is, the other might not even aware of how much you tolerate because of him/her; because said person hold the title "friend".

Somehow I feel violated, too. It's like, you never felt my presence around. Despite everything I've done for you, you know? Not appreciated. Not even someone in your mind and heart. 

But it's okay. Maybe I should do the same to you too. :'(

Anyway, take care!

(|]      [|) ♪♫ Yovie & Nuno - Menjaga Hati

Something about: Changes,...

and the way it surprises me.

A couple of years ago (now, even using the word years here quite surprising to me actually) I was so in love with someone that I cried a bunch because of him. But now when we met each other, we were like "wassup bro?" and things like that; means that we could just go on and have great conversations and just jokes and being fools with each other. 

No more those crazy thumping heartbeat inside my chest. No more clammy hands caused by nervousness when I sees his smile. No more blushing creeps into my cheeks. No more awkward feelings inside of me. 

It was just crazy of how fast and how much things had changed since then. 

And since then, yeah,... Quite a number of things happened to me. Example would be that I already falls in and out of crush and love with a few people. Some things turns complicated and some other just dissolves into open air into nothingness. 

The point that I write this blog post is, since this is the last week of 2012 and here I am reading through my blog post of 2012 and reflecting how much had I changes over this year. I think my attitudes didn't really changes, but my feelings... Hm~ That quite complicated. 

But rest assured, I fall out of love from him. Damn, I can't even recall his face now. :/ 

I deserved to be happy, I say. What says you?

Anyway, take care!

(|].^_^.[|) ♪♫ Kim Ah Joong - Byul

Something about: Re-play

I was figuratively in blue lately. My temper went out of control here and there, and I'm feeling literally sick. Sick of almost everything. I don't even know why and how I should react upon certain things right now, already. 

I do believe that yes, things will once in a while get too out of control - too out of what you had already predicting and calculating and hoping but there are just some things that irks me so very much. Irks me of how it went that way and you knew you could do something to at least fix it,... but things won't turn pretty if you actually fix it. 

I'm trying to convey and putting my feelings into better phrases but I'm too incoherent at this very moment. 

*enter big sigh here* 

The other thing is someone seems to be bugging me once in a while when he decided he want to do so, or something like that I guess? I don't know. It's freaking annoying yet quite amusing at the same time. How can I actually describe it, eh? 

Okay, let me put into this situation... You let yourself be fooled once. You let your disappointment sinks into you. You let it go, because sooner or later its bound to happen anyway. 

But, after such things happened, acknowledge by you, him, and lots of other people - some time later that very particular guy actually had guts to try contacting you, communicates with you, LIKE. NOTHING. FREAKING. HAPPENED. WTF? Seriously? 

And the next thing, the thing that been bugging my mind almost this whole week; sometimes I wonder if my decision back then for the future of other people is good enough or not. I mean, there are people that once I needed to be responsible to - and things change as time pass by - and my decision, was it right? Or did I make things turn worse that it already is? This kind of doubt just bugging me and there's nothing that I could do; because it had already been like this now. I had no power to do anything - and this feelings is kinda sucks...

sayang sayang aduhai sayang 

adik bingung bertambah runsing 

hendakku buang terasa sayang 

udah menjadi darah dan daging

Anyway, take care!

(|].^_^.[|) ♪♫ Teshima Aoi - Raindrops Keep Fallin On My Head

Something about: wonderer...

Had you ever wondering about seeing someone that you think you love so very much (yes I do realized the grammatical error located there, but it just how I'm expressing my feeling at the moment, so ignore it please) being together with someone that all in all is completely better than you?

Had you ever wondering would you fell hurt and aches in your heart; or would you be happy for them?

Had you ever wondering if you could turn back time; would you change things OR leave it as they were before?

Thoughts sometimes confusing; but you could do nothing. Because you're just a wonderer. It won't going to be real...

Anyway, take care!

(|].^_^.[|) ♪♫ Westlife - My Love